ELUSION OF LOVE

I hope you like nerds

It's not likely, I'm pretty sure

I have no chance in hell with her

But if so, throw yourself into my arms

I'm getting way too nervous now

I'm like a little boy

Stuttering around

All the while searching for the girl of my dreams

Why must love keep eluding me?

IF WE MET TODAY

In our band room. Photo shoot for the Alta Loma High School newspaper, 2001

If we met today, will you still feel the same way about me as you do?

Hello, hell; goodbye, darling

All my blue skies have just left me for another guy

And I was searching, eternally

Just to find those perfect words to whisper in your ear

Maybe I've never longed to be with you long more

Or be long with you on the floor

Cause baby, I haven't even written your name on my hands yet

I can't forget that day our lifetimes met

But if we met today, will you still feel the same way about me as you do?

You're everything I never knew I always wanted....

And if we could begin again, should I hope that my hopes about you will come true?

Photo by Stephanie Tula

CHRONIC SESSION

Flowing, not knowing just where I am going,
But I'm having fun along the way
There's this energy I store inside for when I decide to come alive,
It's currently on stage on display. Hey!

I hope I feel this way forever, instead of "now or never"
I will try, but I'm high again...
Just when it seems you're within my reach, reality sets in

Pulse racing, my brain's fading past the point of hallucinating, I love it!
Drinking, smoking, anarchy, it's fun how they consume me frequently, but now I'm over it

Trust a brotha who knows, this song might only sound good when you're stoned,
But when the "suck" starts to kick in, I guess you know that coming down's coming again
So now I can't help but think back to my childhood dreams, 
Were they my destiny or only immature schemes?
I guess I'll never know

Except now I feel this way forever,
And now I'm right back to whatever I was
When most fools are done, dropping out of the rotation, Fisk and I are stuck just getting warmed up

I swear I'll stay lit 'till I die, 'cause I'm just so high, oh so I flow once again
'Cause when I'm sure I should be coming right back down to Earth, 
Reality sets in...

Photo by Eddie Guevara

A SONG FOR STEVE

My friend Steve Madigan, playing with his band, Dose Of Adolescence in 2005. He passed away a year later at the age of 21 from a car accident. I wrote this song to help deal with the pain that I was feeling at the time and to let him know that I was thinking about him. I think he would have dug the title. I miss you bro.

Guinness Never Lets Me Down

All on my own in so many ways

They say I'm the most selfish and fake

But how can I shake off one more loss?

How can I shake off one more loss unlike it's one more life?

And I imagine what it's like to die:

I fall back into clouds, there goes my head

I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment once again

Transcending space and time must be way more fun than some may advertise

Hold my hand as I touch the sky

I see you when I close my eyes

Dreaming of love, life in the sun

My days are full of sweat, my nights full of fun

And Stephen it seems this life ain't even good for me

I wanna be the complete opposite of me

And I no longer fear death 'cause I'll be with you

SEACREST CULTURE

I thought this was my life
Turns out I was all wrong
I'm sick of being sold a lie
Fuck that "I wanna be a billionaire" song
Sometimes I wonder what is real
Without a healthy Earth to live on
I don't wanna care how many "Likes"
I don't want a thousand-dollar bottle at the club
I don't want to elevate money over love
I don't want to hold beliefs of past millenia
I don't want to waste my time with corporate media
The world keeps trying to tell me who it thinks I should be
Part of the Ryan Seacrest Culture
And people try to sell me on the virtue of greed
And to cast aside all my sensibilities

BUT WE'LL NEVER GET ON MTV THIS WAY

 Welsher playing Colin's house party, September 2002

Night! / 18 days of rainy, stormy suburban days and nights, as my mind wanders away as it changes from raining, to hailing, to snowing / 18 grey, wet days of raindrops slipping off my windowpane like shattered pieces of a dream / I know that you could've, should've, must've liked me for at least that one pouring rainy day I remember and I pray as you're leaving High School today, it could be in your heart you'll let me stay / But in case you ever need a smile, I'll be right here waiting for your phone call for a while 'cause I think I gotta make you play my way today / 18 foggy days, the massaging sounds of A.L. town on a foggy day / Still, you don't even know my name, so I live each day for my dreams / 18 grey, wet days of raindrops slipping off my windowpane like shattered pieces of a dream / Now, I sit in class all day, and I rearrange all the letters in your name / Anticipating, but every time you turn, I really wanna look down / And if I could be your man, baby, I'll treat you so wrong so I can make it so right / So I'll get started choosing names for our kids to-

ALTERNATIVE 3

I lose my life just to say:
I'm powerless to choose who must represent the human race
So I will be a slave if those in power have their way
From the inevitable war or global crisis that we face

We tried to blast holes in the stratosphere,
We thought the heat and pollution could escape into space and we'd be safe
We tried to build an underground network of tunnels and cities,
But now we must leave the Earth, establish colonies - Alternative 3

I'll fend for myself, left for dead on the surface
No longer will I let you rape me

TALIBAN GIRL

I don't want to be afraid anymore. No, I don't want to be afraid anymore

 

Dear, my little "Taliban girl", we met one hot late June night, under the Baghdad moonlight

With all the fear, hate and violence in the world,

Love-grenade in hand, and you just pulled the pin - blow up my heart again

So here, my little "Taliban girl", take these dog-tags for a start, so I don't get a purple heart

I've never been one for prayer, can you give a life of sin a whirl?

Blow me up again, blow me up again...

 

I want to dream, but I can't believe where we are when shooting guns seem to take the place of shooting stars

I want to sing with you happily-ever-after in a world of peace,

When I met you I swore I'd always make love, not war

 

It's so clear, my little "Taliban girl", they'll kill us both when they see that we're in love,

the way life should be

Never been one for prayer, can you give a life of sin a whirl?

Blow me up again, blow me up again...

 

I want to dream, but I can't believe where we are when shooting guns seem to take the place of shooting stars

I want to sing with you happily-ever-after in a world of peace,

When I met you I swore I'd always make love, not war

 

So dear, my little "al-Queda chick", my little insurgent, I'll be your infidel, you be my terrorist

But I just want your kiss, call me "El Ray" cause I never miss

Blow up my world again, blow me up again!

 

I don't want to be afraid anymore. No, I don't want to be afraid anymore

 

All we are saying is give peace a chance

 

FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE

Will someone explain to me,
Why should I just tag along, when I know I can change the world with a song?
So I'll try this rhythm, melody, harmony cause now I am free.

For once in my life, I can't wait another day in vain at last
My fairytale and all my fantasy "I let down my guard and sing" feelings have all but passed
But for once in my life, I won't settle for someone fine who makes me sad
I won't give into charming ways that I could not have

I was reluctant to change but as of this morning, I could instantly breathe easily
And I just wanna groove this way now, I'm feeling lucky, I could instantly breathe easily
I got a lot to say so just listen to me, as I will be what I will be, I could instantly breathe easily
As I shout, "Will someone explain to me why?"

For once, I can't deny I'm having one hell of a time, for once in my life!

For once I'm gonna slide by you, I can't do much more than slide
(Will someone explain to me why I am the way that I am?)
For once I won't allow my superficiality to get the best of me
(I'm never gonna lose this hope I have for once in my life)
For once I won't hesitate, I'll accelerate through the strife and the yellow light in my mind
For once I see here and now I can so much more while I'm still alive

And someday if I die, I'll leave this song behind...

Do I long to find a piece of mind? Turn back the hands of time? Do I?
Why do I do laps each day through my mind?
Do I dare consider my alternatives to this world, or do I just do what I'm sure I'll do anyway?
Am I singing my life away in sweet naivety nonchalantly?
I thought all hope was gone, I cried 'till dawn the night you left me and the morning I moved on
For once in my life

So why should I just tag along when I know I can change the world with a song?

ABOVE THE SMOG LAYER

Beyond my cluttered room,
Unmade sheets, "Faker" tattoo
See past this fast drum-line, the swelling of the seas,
1983, it's so hard to conceive when everyone's so naïve
I see a time with human slaves to machines

I think I have a chance to do something in the near-future that'll one day be viewed with significance
Or am I just drunk again?

Sore throats, satellites fall from the skies
Small bones, take my hand being with large eyes

We visited civilizations that came before
They showed me galaxies human beings could only dream to explore
They said "Here we are engaged in World War Four"

So tell me stars, why should I stay?
All my friends have gone away
There's no "Hollywood Ending" for me
No house in the hills, still I can't breathe

Oh me, oh my, a tropical sunrise by the power lines
To mesmerize me, hypnotize me, solve the mystery of the missing time
Now I'm enlightened,
But to my horror I see their triangle logo so now I know they're watching me
And tracking me

1,998 CIRCLES

Alta Loma High School, 4/20/01


And have you ever looked at a girl to see maybe even if she was looking at you looking at her?
If there was a word for the feeling there was whenever she'd give you a hug, then why are you so sure you know you feel unsure?

I think I mind not what my mind thinks, not only what you think of me
And I don't think I mind I think you blow my mind
I wonder if you could ever know that I often wonder if you could ever know I wonder if I could ever talk you sometime...

I watch the time on my watch fade away like the days that I must have forgot
When I watch and know you're watching me
I dream of words I could've said to her to tell the friend of your best friend
Had I had now the courage I needed then

Or have you ever lied now, and told her that you just want to be friends,
Then you cry and live so hopelessly?
Although it seems unlikely, your never knowing, you know that's what keeps you going
And how could a girl like that like me?

I know that I will get what I deserve,
Hopefully someday so will you
(Alone) But right now time is like a collogue in my mind:
(Days) Frozen, wasted, and confused,

Well, my life without you

Photo by Joel Fisk

EMBELLISHMENT

Where are you in life?
Where the hell am I?
Does my circle fit into your square?
Do you care?
It seems the only trait we share is that we both breathe air

But you need the clean, aquamarine, and me, every breath I take is laced with chlorine
A limited amount of space where I can be myself,
Should I free myself for my mental health?

To settle is to give up, thought that I could be happy with what I got,
Obviously not, I must have forgot the time I got caught flirting with my girlfriend squirting tears at the coffee shop
Oh, how I'd love to be one of those lucky human beings born with better genes,
God stitched right at the seams, but I'm just lil' ol' me,
Supporting by sporting band's tees is my steez,
"All I need is me" is a fallacy,
I want a girl with a 'grindcore' mentality,
A jazzy personality, porn star sexuality,
How 'punk rock' would we be?

It's like a voice inside of me:
"B, fear no loss, let go of everything!"
But loyal I remain...

Do you think of me, do I....
Sprinkle pink sparkle in your eyes?   (I live for the)
Make you be giddy at odd times?   (I yearn, I pray, I)
Turn on excite you all night long?   (For you to write this)
To sell one's soul is to write one song

Your slight brush up against me, accidentally, oh so gently hints of the subtleties of love left unnoticed by some, unknowingly demising fates of galactic empires to come,

It's why, when combined, negative one and one is none

It seems the only care we have is that we ain't never had a care
It seems you're unaware every time I look at you, and then you catch me stare
It seems you wanna call me 'all-in', but I'm still playing solitaire
It seems life's so unfair, you'll probably end up with a millionaire

ANDROMEDA

 

 

Was so unsure with what I'd find when our galaxies did collide

A cosmic samba through space and time,
Binded by god, and I'm left starry-eyed
But when all my fears are confirmed, I find I can't help but write cheesy lines like:

"I guess I'm destined to be alone" and "I don't have a reason to live"
You always make fun of the way that I breathe     *sigh*
Yet, I can't seem to get you out of my dreams...
Oh, why me?

And I can't fathom a way I can compete for your curves
And I'm just so happy to be alive
I decide to allow the universe to unfold
I read "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle

Am I too short for you to see yourself with me?
I hand you my heart and you tell me you're picky
You say I smile too much - I frown more subconsciously
I try and work out, but somehow I still stay weak

 

Can't help my biology, you're so pretty it kills me

I analyze my approach, take mental notes, and study
I'm left compelled to act, god, what's wrong with me?

Then you call me back and once again I'm at peace

Why must I fall in love so damn easily?

I PONDER WHILE I WANDER

I ponder while I wander now, soon I wonder how long I'll stay ball-and-chained at my age
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step, so my legs carry my smile with style

And this feeling I'm concealing within
You melt my mind like I've never known
What is it about me that makes me see what it about you?
But sometimes I'd rather walk alone...

I ponder while I wander well, maybe I'll excel rather than dwell on your farewell

And this feeling I'm concealing within
You melt my mind like I've never known (how can I just go on this way?)
What is it about you that makes you see what it about me?
But sometimes I'd rather walk alone...

Slow down, girl, we're moving too fast
This vast world may pass us by but this moment will always last
(I pray someday she'll say she'll stay)
With every path I take, the aftermath's heartache, so sometimes I'd rather walk alone

I ponder while I wander girl, if I could change the world, you'd be mine, forever entwined by design

You are the soul from my guitar, and me, I'm just a fool, to think that I could shape my fate
Is it true, I'm through with you? And you agree with me? I often wonder "where is she?"

So I ponder while I wander again
I pick up the pieces and learn how to live again
You're the one I'm crying for, I'm lying for, I'm dying for,

But sometimes I'd rather walk alone

DISARRAY

Showcase Theater, Corona, CA 3/17/06

 

Why do things just happen to happen to people they just happen to happen to?

Why am I just a teenage boy, and why must you be just a teenage girl, in this little world, where I am? It's such a coincidence...

That hair you wear, your special flair, grin and squint, tan skin, I swear!

I swear you know, but you're so far away,

My friends say I'm alone in disarray.

 

Why am I just twenty-something now, and why must you be twenty-something now, too,

On this marble of blue, where we play? It's such a coincidence...

The clothes you wear, your sarcastic stare, dark brown eyes, reflecting starlight glare

To no avail, my friends will blindly say chauvinistic things to try to sway me the other way,

But, no way...

 

I always act foolish if I feel this chance is real, not a dream, not my imagination, infatuation,

Life is like a tune: da da da doo

As summer days fade out, fall's here to stay, I give way, turn grey, decay, and waste away

 

And you don't give a damn about me,

And why should I give a damn about you, or what we could be?

You don't give a damn about our love, so why should I give a damn if you don't give a damn about me?

So doubt me, but I know you can't live without me,

My heart is like bamboo (it bends it doesn't break)

 

Nothing I do for you is good enough for you, as lame as this may seem,

I have a thing for you having a thing for me

This kid's jealousy is taking over me,

I guess I'll just get used to this

Life is only a series of events.....

 

Why do things just happen to happen to me?

Photo by Eddie Guevara

IT MUST BE COOL TO BE IN LOVE

I can't recall when I've last been the object of
A woman's affection; it must be cool to be in love.

You wake up in her thoughts and she cares how you feel,
You can't stop smiling; life feels like a dream, but it's real.

And all I have, I'd give away,
If just for one small second I could experience love.

CONVOLUTED

Don't tell me not to fall in love with you;
Now I'm scared, sad, and confused...
I know you're not cuddling with me tonight, no
Instead, you're taking shots with better-looking dudes
Of course you've got more important things to do than me;
I'm just trying to be myself
But physically, you match perfectly with my dream girl,
And I just so happen to be shallow as hell

And it seems like everyone else but me is in love
And I see birds flying wing-by-wing
I wonder, "When will that be me?"

I'm drunk and watching other couples kissing - so in love
And little gestures they trade back and forth:
It's like an unspoken, affectionate game of 'tag-you're-it';
While always leaving the other wanting more, and more, and more, and more, and more
And so the dance floor becomes my second home now -
A place where your history is of no concern
And I'm pretty sure she's for me when the thought is all I need,
Thus, confirming love and sex can converge, and we merge

And it seems like everyone else but me is in love
And I see birds flying wing-by-wing
I wonder, "When, if ever, will that be me?"

With the progress of plastic surgery,
My odds increase exponentially
Plus, chicks my own age aren't even really that into me,
Let alone, my stupid covoluted personality.

MAIDEN SAMBA

She's inches from me,
Holding a drink,
Looking coy and lovely.
Am I too shy to say "Hi, I'm Bry,"
"Are you from nearby?"
"What kind of music do you like?"

Overwhelmed by lust and I lose focus.
Floating down a stream of thoughts and I can't swim.
My imagination gives you fake personality traits --
I make up your name, your life story, your age, your ideal guy,
Blissfully living a lie.

It's about this time I realize
With anything I choose to do or not - it splits the world in two.
In one world, I speak. In one I bitch out.
I switch out of this human form, new dimensions I explore.

The universe is so vast that there must be another Earth,
With other humans on it, another me, another you at the bar
The experience of love seems to be the point of this little world we all share
So why don't we just embrace what we are?

There are trillions of stars,
And the world will just keep on spinning long after we're both gone...
I may as well move on...
On second thought, hell why not,

"Hey, what's up"

SOMEONE TO BRING MEANING

Perfect sunny day here in LA,
80 degrees, blue skies, birds are chirping,
But I'm still here waiting...
Waiting for a girl to bring meaning to my...

I go for a stroll through my hometown,
A light breeze blowing, kids are playing around
But I'm still here waiting...
Waiting for someone to bring meaning to my life.

It's so obvious that I am wasting my life waiting for you to choose me,
And all my dreams of who I'd like to be can be created through you liking me.

All my friends and my family,
Oh, how they love me so, but I just don't see,
For I'm still here waiting,
Waiting for someone to bring meaning to my life.